I hate myself, and everyone else
no love in my heart left for sharing
I have been down just like dirt in the ground
and there's no room left here for caring
Not a friend I could keep if it barked like a goat
and my dress it has holes much too revealing
I've been found as I am still I can't give a fuck
I think way to highly of others
Now it's time for myself I need nobody else
it's been death devils creep up beside me
so I lay down the lines and I die with the times
just like you'd be if you lived inside me
Hours passed like the sand that gets dripped in my eyes
with shadow that hides my own masking
I been too dumb to speak I've been cattled like sheep
now I die with the day that is rising
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
2 am ish
Fuck. My "just set in to make", failed. So, Nothing I tried worked out and my soul rotted. So I whispered all of this shit about to myself and became aware that every intention I had is lacking, and so I put on myself and summoned up all mad ideas with otherworlds and snarling spirits for kicks and uh about uh 100 years or so ago my show I let to the devil, my puzzling remarks inhead, goin' on... I was just about distracted that's all. Smiling just made me remember I was nothing special.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
do-da dee da dooten dee da
today i woke up at 6:45, against my will i guess. i probably crashed around 3am. i called in to work and said i had been throwing up all nite, and then again at 5 in the morning. if he asks me more about it i'm gonna tell him it was the frozen sausage biscuits i ate. i shaved though i really didn't need to, made some tea - eggy wegs and bacon. i watched juno and drank a beer. fiddled around with my guitar, i've got some little tune i'm mess'n with. had some more tea and ate some toast and jam. think i'm up to 5 cigarettes so far here at 8pm, not bad eh.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Salvage Some Pride
I don't know? Maybe you can't understand. Here we are with all the world at its knees, begging for a taste of freedom. All's we need now is the answer! I'm sure if it was crafted right, or if the right person promoted it, or if the right timing was set in place...She'll listen to you, man.
"I soared with fire and power, striking fools down at both sides. Arrogance to my left, fear to my right. I glared with discontent at aphrodite's advance, I curled my lip and raised my brow. What could she have to offer me, anyway? love? Excitement? Everything I already had. I was really just amused that she would consider me, and that was all it was. I could let her pass. I could let it all pass."
There's a hole in that beam of light, you see, I could nestle my soul within its ray and be lifted. The lightness of my conscious state, ey.
Aye, look away. There's no concern anymore, you gotta let it go, let it be. Take your weary hands off for awhile. Your hands are full of hatred, you know that. The long night has set in, your unrepentant heart gives you more appeal. Sparkle up some joy for yourself. When you recieve your award, how many thankyou's could you give...two, three at most. See, you're look'n at this all wrong. Your perception changes with its stimuli, brother. It's merely reacting to the forces. Now is that right, or wrong?
It just is.
- Buck up.
"I soared with fire and power, striking fools down at both sides. Arrogance to my left, fear to my right. I glared with discontent at aphrodite's advance, I curled my lip and raised my brow. What could she have to offer me, anyway? love? Excitement? Everything I already had. I was really just amused that she would consider me, and that was all it was. I could let her pass. I could let it all pass."
There's a hole in that beam of light, you see, I could nestle my soul within its ray and be lifted. The lightness of my conscious state, ey.
Aye, look away. There's no concern anymore, you gotta let it go, let it be. Take your weary hands off for awhile. Your hands are full of hatred, you know that. The long night has set in, your unrepentant heart gives you more appeal. Sparkle up some joy for yourself. When you recieve your award, how many thankyou's could you give...two, three at most. See, you're look'n at this all wrong. Your perception changes with its stimuli, brother. It's merely reacting to the forces. Now is that right, or wrong?
It just is.
- Buck up.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Alright, come on. We're talking about the relationship between falling, and crashing. Focusing on the space between where you fell from and where you crashed, could be seen as the consciousness that never ends. We are eternally rising and falling. Reaching new heights all the time. Therefore, chronologically we are all going upward in the pursuit of self-realization. Though some people have a debased view of self, they are still actualizing it, all the time. So, thinking this, we should be striving for goodness and freedom, or we may never attain it. And we may never attain it.
Oh, I'm reading this book called Post Secret. It is a collection of post cards sent to editor Frank Warren. People anonymously send in their deepest secrets and he publishes them into a book. here are a few:
"I started shooting heroin agin."
"I once wrote an x-rated letter to a boyfriend who broke up with me before i could give it to him. ...I gave it to my next boyfriend!"
"I will always be the weird quiet girl."
"I drool, alot."
"sometimes I wish I was better at faking it."
Well, I'm goin to Ohio for a bit. Be cool.
Oh, I'm reading this book called Post Secret. It is a collection of post cards sent to editor Frank Warren. People anonymously send in their deepest secrets and he publishes them into a book. here are a few:
"I started shooting heroin agin."
"I once wrote an x-rated letter to a boyfriend who broke up with me before i could give it to him. ...I gave it to my next boyfriend!"
"I will always be the weird quiet girl."
"I drool, alot."
"sometimes I wish I was better at faking it."
Well, I'm goin to Ohio for a bit. Be cool.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Church and State
We live an a society supposedly built on religious freedom. Now, freedom means liberation - both to and from. Freedom to have your own religion. Freedom from someone else's religion. So, why then was it ever legal to proselytize Christianity in our institutional civil society? And is still practised today. Hold your beliefs, that is your right and freedom, but do not infringe upon my rights by projecting your agenda on my life. Should your standards act as a bench mark to mine? This is what turns me off to Christianity. And I am a follower of Jesus. Did Jesus condemn, or even persuade people into his system of belief? It seems he lived a certain lifestyle and that lifestyle inspired others to know him closer.
In class today I was demonized infront of everyone, for a comment I made, by a right-wing, fundamentally conservative, pentacostal, proselytizing Christian Professor! And did I back down? Never. I fired back with an equally relevant caliber of ammunition. She was left with nothing to say. Because I proved to her, that in the end, the answer is unknowable. You'll have your idea, I'll have mine. This is why freedom of religion is absolutely necessary in a healthy society. If any one religion was correct, or if even the belief in a God was undeniable, it would be a different story. There would be no reason not to believe, if it was empirically true. There would, however, be a whole list of new things to question. Nonetheless, any belief in God, or disbelief in God, is a statement of "faith." Faith is purely a personal experience. Jesus alludes to this notion of faith when he heals the woman with a blood condition, after she has reached out to touch him, saying to her "your faith has made you well."
We must exhibit an abundance of tolerance, coupled with a living out of our beliefs. Oh, hell yeah.
In class today I was demonized infront of everyone, for a comment I made, by a right-wing, fundamentally conservative, pentacostal, proselytizing Christian Professor! And did I back down? Never. I fired back with an equally relevant caliber of ammunition. She was left with nothing to say. Because I proved to her, that in the end, the answer is unknowable. You'll have your idea, I'll have mine. This is why freedom of religion is absolutely necessary in a healthy society. If any one religion was correct, or if even the belief in a God was undeniable, it would be a different story. There would be no reason not to believe, if it was empirically true. There would, however, be a whole list of new things to question. Nonetheless, any belief in God, or disbelief in God, is a statement of "faith." Faith is purely a personal experience. Jesus alludes to this notion of faith when he heals the woman with a blood condition, after she has reached out to touch him, saying to her "your faith has made you well."
We must exhibit an abundance of tolerance, coupled with a living out of our beliefs. Oh, hell yeah.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
True-self, unknowable?
1- If you know what something looks like, can you be that thing? By emulating characteristics and attitudes does that make you a certain way, or not? For instance, say you know what it looks like to be carefree. Does that mean "you" can be carefree? By appearing to be one way with others it would be hard for them to percieve you any other way. But, maybe you are not carefree and truly at the grain of your being is fear and trepidation. Are you a liar, then? Or, are you just strong willed?! Too strong to let mear idiots start to know who you really are on the inside. Is that a dangerous mascarade of emotions that you are simply unwilling to discover or, even worse, are uncapable of understanding? Far more dangerous than a lie. *unwilling/incapable - we'll pick it up later*
1- Before I get too far into this I must address an issue of word meaning. I am using the word 'lie' to denote any aspect of yourself that ultimately denies yourself. However, this is not accurate to the general meaning of the word. By definition a lie is a false statement with the intent to decieve. The glaring problem in my argument is intent. Someone may be completely misrepresenting themselves and not necessarily be lying. I think the word partrition would be more closely related to this discussion. However, not withstanding the disclaimer, I will continue on with my more shocking and skin curdling denotation - "liar."
2- Should I let my reader in on my intent? Do I just write to fancy myself, placing some random sentence next to another, some word with a set value next to its counterweight, and all of this with little to no concern with content and my impact on an audience? Just because? To ruffle invisible feathers, being "a rebel without a clue?" Well, by believing that you would be denying me as an artist. So, if you deny me as an artist then please, by all means. But, if you have any notion of what I think or feel, in hopes to shake the ignorant stongholds of hate and insecurity. Then maybe, we could all enter into a more realized relationship to our creator.
2- excerpt: "You Couldn't See Yourself Clearly"
"You are a liar! A mother %#$*ing liar, man! I thought we had something? >> I thought you were holding the International Peace for a reason. Based on principle? But, you were in it the whole time for yourself. Servicing me with your words // all the while, satisfying your pockets with power. ++ You took advantage of poverty. You gleamed with resentment at unjust socialization and yet you are the mask of revolution? And beneath your wax and plastic is the most hidious face of all! The face of truth."
1&2- In this excerpt, truth, is the misrepresented reality. Everyone has masked themselves to some degree. A mask of humility, understanding, happiness, public service, whatever? Existence is progressive. So, what occurs in the future is directly related to what we do in the present. This makes the idea of intent even more compelling. We essentially, by relying on our intent, are saying we know the future or have some idea of the future. Have you ever noticed a limitless stream of consciousness? It appears limitless but, it is not. It may be limitless to oneself. This is why we are comfortable with believing in our system of reality. Simply because it is the only system we know. However, it is not the only system we have access to. [Incoming Danger] Everything you know and experience stems from your consciousness. Perceptions and behaviors, though largely influenced by environment, are ultimately under your jurisdiction. So can "you" change?
Unwilling/incapable
1- Can you change? Are you unwilling, or incapable? I would argue that yes you can change, most generally. And I will limit my projections to matters pertaining to the mind - thought patterns, self idealizition and perception. What if you are "incapable." Strange word. Incapable, refers to inability/limitation. Some capabilities can only be manifested through willingness. (e.g. You must be willing to swing the baseball bat, in order to be capable of hitting the ball with it) Willingness can be seen as a catalyst for change. Some would argue that if you are currently uncapable, then you are incapable. That is a fatalistic view, in nature. Not that you are a fatalist, but call it what it is. Negativity, doubt, hopelessness. And these are all highly valid. And in themselves they are neither good or bad. Hopelessness can be a reality, hopelessness can also be a mindset. (This is where the English language really sucks, because I am not familiar with any word that separates these two meanings) And I apologize if it feels like I am barreling through these ideas. Hopelessness when applied as a mindset will cause an interesting reduction. If, as I mentioned earlier, some capabilities can only be manifested through willingness. and hopelessness (as a mindset) is an opponent to willingness. Then, hopelessness decreases the possibility of capability. Therefore, having a willingness to change will make it more possible to change.
Now, I realize this sounds elementary, but it is far from it (my ignorant little prude). Because what if a persons incapability lies in the realm of willingness? Willingness, as a form of hopefulness, presents a galactic catechism. How do you bridge the gap of willingness, to being willing/having willingness. This quickly diverges, in my mind, to a spiritually dark conversation. A very interesting one, though. One which I will pick up at a later date. Thanks for the cereal Capt'n Crunch!
1- Before I get too far into this I must address an issue of word meaning. I am using the word 'lie' to denote any aspect of yourself that ultimately denies yourself. However, this is not accurate to the general meaning of the word. By definition a lie is a false statement with the intent to decieve. The glaring problem in my argument is intent. Someone may be completely misrepresenting themselves and not necessarily be lying. I think the word partrition would be more closely related to this discussion. However, not withstanding the disclaimer, I will continue on with my more shocking and skin curdling denotation - "liar."
2- Should I let my reader in on my intent? Do I just write to fancy myself, placing some random sentence next to another, some word with a set value next to its counterweight, and all of this with little to no concern with content and my impact on an audience? Just because? To ruffle invisible feathers, being "a rebel without a clue?" Well, by believing that you would be denying me as an artist. So, if you deny me as an artist then please, by all means. But, if you have any notion of what I think or feel, in hopes to shake the ignorant stongholds of hate and insecurity. Then maybe, we could all enter into a more realized relationship to our creator.
2- excerpt: "You Couldn't See Yourself Clearly"
"You are a liar! A mother %#$*ing liar, man! I thought we had something? >> I thought you were holding the International Peace for a reason. Based on principle? But, you were in it the whole time for yourself. Servicing me with your words // all the while, satisfying your pockets with power. ++ You took advantage of poverty. You gleamed with resentment at unjust socialization and yet you are the mask of revolution? And beneath your wax and plastic is the most hidious face of all! The face of truth."
1&2- In this excerpt, truth, is the misrepresented reality. Everyone has masked themselves to some degree. A mask of humility, understanding, happiness, public service, whatever? Existence is progressive. So, what occurs in the future is directly related to what we do in the present. This makes the idea of intent even more compelling. We essentially, by relying on our intent, are saying we know the future or have some idea of the future. Have you ever noticed a limitless stream of consciousness? It appears limitless but, it is not. It may be limitless to oneself. This is why we are comfortable with believing in our system of reality. Simply because it is the only system we know. However, it is not the only system we have access to. [Incoming Danger] Everything you know and experience stems from your consciousness. Perceptions and behaviors, though largely influenced by environment, are ultimately under your jurisdiction. So can "you" change?
Unwilling/incapable
1- Can you change? Are you unwilling, or incapable? I would argue that yes you can change, most generally. And I will limit my projections to matters pertaining to the mind - thought patterns, self idealizition and perception. What if you are "incapable." Strange word. Incapable, refers to inability/limitation. Some capabilities can only be manifested through willingness. (e.g. You must be willing to swing the baseball bat, in order to be capable of hitting the ball with it) Willingness can be seen as a catalyst for change. Some would argue that if you are currently uncapable, then you are incapable. That is a fatalistic view, in nature. Not that you are a fatalist, but call it what it is. Negativity, doubt, hopelessness. And these are all highly valid. And in themselves they are neither good or bad. Hopelessness can be a reality, hopelessness can also be a mindset. (This is where the English language really sucks, because I am not familiar with any word that separates these two meanings) And I apologize if it feels like I am barreling through these ideas. Hopelessness when applied as a mindset will cause an interesting reduction. If, as I mentioned earlier, some capabilities can only be manifested through willingness. and hopelessness (as a mindset) is an opponent to willingness. Then, hopelessness decreases the possibility of capability. Therefore, having a willingness to change will make it more possible to change.
Now, I realize this sounds elementary, but it is far from it (my ignorant little prude). Because what if a persons incapability lies in the realm of willingness? Willingness, as a form of hopefulness, presents a galactic catechism. How do you bridge the gap of willingness, to being willing/having willingness. This quickly diverges, in my mind, to a spiritually dark conversation. A very interesting one, though. One which I will pick up at a later date. Thanks for the cereal Capt'n Crunch!
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